Have you ever had a day where you realised, you couldn't be further from where you hoped you would be? That's where I am.
I wake up tired. My body already aches. My left calf feels like it's going to cramp at the mere thought of movement. Everything feels heavy. My thoughts, my heart, my spirits, the lot. The day stretches ahead as an endless to do list. Even the weather is gloomy and wet.
Today isn't a one off though. I've slowly realised that this is how my days have become, grey and monotonous. The weight of lone parental responsibility, mixed with grief and residual trauma. The absence of sunshine and laughter have become suddenly apparent, like the shortening of the days until it's unavoidably obvious.
Having made these realisations, I have been thinking about what I can do about them. Firstly, I thought I'd write it down. Psychologically, writing things down has way more benefits than churning things over in your head. You can see the progress you're making and it adds enough detachment to be objective of your situation. I also realise that I can't be the only one feeling like this so I am hopeful that others may benefit from my sharing.
Considering where to start...
Maybe sleep and food? I haven't managed to do a food shop due to lack of money so we currently have a very random selection of items in the cupboards. We have no definite routine in place. We eat the same number of times a day and sleep, go to school, work, clubs on the right days. But when these things happen, is all a bit fluid.. It all feels a little chaotic and disorganised.
So, with the diet a little funky and a varying sleep pattern the whole thing is a house of cards. Visibly has a structure but definitely fragile! Obviously, therefore, the best place to start.
Today, I'm going to make a meal plan for the week and buy those things. I'm also going to set a bedtime for me and the kids and work a routine for the day backwards from there. I have trouble with time and how long things take so I always try to cram too many jobs in to the space available. Inevitably, this means I am late for things a lot of the time as I find it very difficult to stop in the middle of a job. I think that will always be something I struggle with.
Those two things look quite small written down here but planning a shape to the day feels like quite a huge thing. I guess it's the basis for everything you do so it is pretty monumental!
